because there's forty different shades of black (dearanxiety) wrote,

noonday demon - inside my monster brain

i've been having some complicated thoughts lately. during our travels, and in the time leading up to them, i had such a yearning to start a family. a yearning would be an understatement. i think while traveling it became even more urgent feeling. it was the thing i had to look forward to after such a huge trip. something that was going to make coming home ok. exciting even. and don't get me wrong. this is still what i want and i'm still excited and i know i'm going to love being a parent. but ok, i'm starting to freak out a little bit about life. like about permanent decisions. i love my life. my city my work my friends my husband my family my niche in this great big universe. but suddenly i'm a person afraid of change? maybe? afraid of things that limit my choices? definitely. i'm turning into a dude who can't handle commitment? what? it's so hard to put it into words, although i'm glad that i've started to figure it out a little bit. because i was just feeling off and wrong inexplicably, but now i can explain. and once i can explain, i can work through it. so here i go. working working through it.

what if i want to go back? what if i want to change my mind about who i become? what if i want to listen to more punk and less twee and put back on my combat boots and converse and flirt with boys who are destined to break my heart? what if i'm not ready to be ready for kids, family, true love? ok, i need to stop working on this at work because i'm about to cry. i sort of hate myself right now. is this too much honesty? i've never been really good at not being honest.

i feel like i've spend my life torn between the desire for an untraditional life...the need to stand out from the crowd and do something special and the desire for stability and traditionality (not an actual word). ian and i were amazing together running around the world. but i don't always want to run around the world. but then where does the excitement come from? argh. want/don't want/want/don't want. do you hate me yet? if you do, i understand.

i don't believe in soul mates, i believe in choices. i believe i have an almost infinite capacity for love and to fall in love. fuck, i fall in love all the time. but i get to choose how to love each person in my life. and i get to choose who i spend my life with. and this goes so along with my whole philosophy of life. i believe in taking responsibility for our choices. i believe in being proud of what we've done with our lives. i don't believe in being stuck, because i believe we've chosen to be where we are. and if you aren't conscious of that, you are missing out on a great deal of props you should be giving yourself for a life well lead and decisions you could be making. in a way, this makes the lifelong commitment of marriage easier because i know it's a choice. it's a choice i make every day. if i have fluttery butterflies about someone else for 2 seconds or 2 days or 2 decades, i don't have to think, "maybe THAT person is actually my soulmate. maybe i was wrong." because that person is not my soul mate. nobody is my soul mate. i am my own soulmate and i made an amazing perfect beautiful decision about who to spend my life loving. i don't have to question it as a misinterpretation. as choosing too soon and having not waited for the RIGHT one. but at the same time, there is a flipside to this. that's the side where i also know that i could love others. of course i could. of course i can!

i told ian the other day that it's like i'm getting those cold feet people get before getting married, but NOW. not about ian. but about a narrowing life. and i know i know i know it doesn't have to narrow. or at least, that i usually don't see it as narrowing. but my brain is a little broken right now. anyhow, he...ian....told me that he feels like this in a mild form all the time and that it's ok and normal. but that when it comes big and strong it's bound to feel really bad. maybe because i'm usually super glass half full everything is great feeling, it just hits me harder when it hits like this. i don't know.

i'm getting off track here. it's now a couple of days later and i've done a lot of thinking and a little bit of talking and i'm feeling more settled in terms of what is going on with me. first of all, i think that i've been fighting depression for months. i've sort of known it, but it wasn't bad enough to be super concerned. and i can usually kick its ass on my own, especially when i'm aware of it looming. which i have been. but for me, when my body is like "enough! get help!" it tends to send that message via anxiety. and that just kicked into hyperdrive this week. it's not ignorable. depression can be comfortable - sleepy and lazy. anxiety is like a punch in the gut. so i'm getting help, ok? ok. i'm getting help in more than one way and i'm waiting waiting to feel a whole lot better.

i think this has officially turned into a friends only post. or maybe anyone can read it, because i don't have secrets (#oversharon). but i kind of don't want comments that'll make me feel worse. and nobody knows what might do that. not even you. not even me. be gentle. this is me coming out. my name is sharon, i get depressed sometimes, even when i know life is beautiful. it's gonna be ok.

if you read this far, you must love me lots. so tell me so. that is always the right thing to say.
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