because there's forty different shades of black (dearanxiety) wrote,

i told you to be patient

i fell in love with this song, skinny love by bon iver, on first listen.





i sort of felt inspired by this little piece of the lyrics:

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind


they've been sitting on my facebook profile for ages, hopefully inspiring others, but if not, just serving as a reminder to me. i want to be patient. i want to be fine. i want to be balanced. i want to be kind.

so, i guess this is my reaching out to you all with the knowledge that i might need some of that in return.

ian and i arrive back in san francisco in just over a week. and i am filled with mixed emotions. i am most importantly super excited. i can't wait to see my friends, to be able to pick up the phone and call the people i love, to have my own bed, to look for an apartment, to be back in san francisco, to get going on all these creative things exploding in my brain, to meet my niece that'll be born in october, to go to some weddings! but i am also trying to be realistic about the kind of adjustment that i'm in for. and i don't know how i'd do it if ian and i weren't in it together.

we have talked and talked and talked about what we expect and how to handle it. and about how we don't know what all to expect.

what i do know is that this'll be one of those big life adjustments. that in addition to the things i've seen and learned having changed me in ways both subtle and not that will mean a strange re-entering into a familiar place, i will also miss life on the road, i will miss the kind of time i've been able to spend with my husband, and i will miss being free of the exact things that i currently am missing proximity to (work, friends, schedule, home, commitments, familiarity etc). aside from all of that, i am not just walking back into my old life because i quite literally can't afford my old life. we want to have a baby and buy a house. we can't afford to live how we lived before and still reach the goals we have set for ourselves in the timeframe we want. these are the choices we made, and this travel is a piece of that choice. i don't know how it'll feel for me before i'm back at work and how that will affect my sense of self-worth. this is a start to the kinds of things i'm thinking about. so, i have this idea of the life i want to build and live and it might not be what you are expecting - it might be different than it was before - and maybe i won't fit back in the way i used to. like a puzzle piece with a bit broken off. i don't know.

so, i just sort of want everyone to know that it may be hard for me at first. for ian too. that it's not you, it's us. so please, be patient. fine. balanced. kind. i look forward to seeing everyone. i can't wait to have fun and laugh and catch up and talk and walk and drink coffee and dance and eat and drink and play!! but if i'm not in the mood, or i seem wrong for a minute, understand, please.

<3 <3 <3

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
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